perfumeandpancakes:

ellen degeneres can host my funeral

(via yourfriendlyneighborhood-lesbian)

I’ll marry a person who knows how I take my tea, coffee, and alcohol
And knows when to make which.

notallwugs:

Two scientists walk into a bar:

"I’ll have an H2O."

"I’ll have an H2O, too."

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

(via yougotmeoutofbedforthis)

stephenhawqueen:

the US is unreal like girls cant wear shorts to school, you can literally lose your job for being gay, and unarmed black children are brutally murdered on the regular but old white ppl r still like “what a beautiful country. i can freely carry a gun for no reason and some of our mountains look like presidents. god bless”

(via lipstickstainedlove)

yoshio-yoshida:

Oh my god youre straight? I had no idea. You seem normal to me. Did you know that Sara is straight to? You two should totally hook up. I cant believe youre straight. You could be my straight best friend. We could go to football games together. Itll be so much fun. So like how long have you been straight? Youre whole life!? No way.

(via lipstickstainedlove)